


a loneliness i cannot bear

by drfitzmonster



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Identity Reveal, Love Confessions, Mid-Air Rescue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 05:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drfitzmonster/pseuds/drfitzmonster
Summary: When Lena falls over the railing of a parking garage she has plenty of time to question her life choices before she's saved.





	a loneliness i cannot bear

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be fluffy but I've been having such a rough time lately it came out angst instead. It has a sweet ending though to make up for it.

When it finally happened all she could do was laugh. It was a fitting way for an heiress to go, really, and she was but one of many wealthy young scions to meet a messy public demise. What could she say, plunging to one’s death looked good on a Luthor. Better than dying mad and in prison, anyway.

She laughed, though, because of how mundane it was, in the end. Her killer was not a hired hitman sent by Lillian or Lex, nor an anti-alien activist, nor even a disgruntled L-Corp employee. No, he was simply a mugger who had no idea who Lena was.

He had no idea that her purse was a $3500 Balenciaga handbag, and while it contained no cash— only a wallet with an AmEx Centurion card and several other “black” credit cards— it did contain a piece of prototype tech that Lena definitely shouldn’t have removed from the lab. She never should have but she was desperate to get it fully functioning and she knew if she could just get it out from under those damned fluorescent lights she’d see something she’d not noticed before.

The technology hidden in her purse would be disastrous in the wrong hands, and right now, the wrong hands were any that weren’t Lena’s. So she jumped backwards when he came at her. It was a tragic miscalculation. She saw it so clearly in her mind as she tipped back over the railing of the fifth level of the parking garage.

It was the final shouldn’t have in a long line of wrong choices stretching back in time, and now there was nothing she could do to save herself. No choice, no move, no gamble, no Hail Mary was going to save her now.

She shouldn’t have taken the prototype. She shouldn’t have dismissed her driver and driven one of the company cars. She shouldn’t have stopped at that rare book store to buy a first edition copy of _The Heart is a Lonely Hunter_.

She shouldn’t have been so _excited_ about it. Shouldn’t have stopped before she even got into her car to write an inscription on the inside of the front cover. Shouldn’t have let her mind and her attentions wander, wondering if she’d ever actually work up the courage to give the book to Kara.

Kara. She shouldn’t have stayed up late night after night listening to Kara talk about books or movies or “Snapper did this” or whichever story had her hackles up at the moment. She shouldn’t have let herself become enamored with the sound of Kara’s voice, the warm press of Kara’s body, the bright scent of Kara’s perfume.

She shouldn’t have fallen for her.

Because now she was actually falling, and she’d never get to tell Kara how she felt. In fact, she was seconds away from dying and she’d never get to see her glowing smile again, or hear that bubbling laugh of hers that had knocked down every one of the walls around Lena’s heart. And Kara would never know. She would never know that Lena loved her.

The realization ripped a sob right out of her chest, and she called out for Kara. The futility of it did not escape her, and it seemed only right, a Luthor dying heartsick, full of longing and regret. At least it would all be over soon. She closed her eyes and braced for impact.

When she hit it was... softer than she thought it would be. She felt warm. It made her think of Kara, and so she smiled as her life slipped away from her, feeling as if she were wrapped in Kara’s warm embrace.

 

* * *

 

When Lena opened her eyes all she could see was blinding light, and then a silhouetted form haloed in gold. Her head was swimming. “Are you an angel?” she croaked out, sadness aching in her chest. Was she really dead?

“Lena, thank Rao you’re ok— wait did you just ask me if I was an angel?”

That voice. She’d recognize it anywhere. “Kara? Is this... I’m still alive?”

“Yes! You’re alive!” Kara was crying. “You’re alive, you’re alive, you’re alive,” she said with an almost frantic giddiness. She bent over Lena, kissing her face repeatedly. “I got here in time. I got here just in time. Oh, Lena, I’m so glad you’re ok.”

Lena was still so dizzy and confused, but her vision finally cleared enough that she could see Kara properly, in cupcake pajamas, her curls loose, the light from a streetlamp filtering through her hair. She looked an awful lot like... “Supergirl?”

Kara nodded, blushing and smiling sheepishly. “Yeah,” she said softly as she brushed Lena’s dark hair out of her face, “It’s me. I’m her.”

Lena felt like her mouth was full of cotton. She swallowed thickly, pressing a hand to her forehead. “I fell... and you, Supergirl, caught me... and I’m not dead... and now we’re...” she tried to look around to figure out where they were beyond “on the ground under a streetlamp,” but she hissed when a sharp pain lanced through her neck.

“Sorry,” Kara said, wincing, “I came as quickly as I could after I heard you call my name. I tried to catch you gently but there wasn’t a lot of... space. You’re probably going to be sore for a little bit.”

Lena burst into tears. “I’m not dead,” she said, clinging to Kara with trembling fingers. “I was going to die. I was going to die. I was never going to see you again and I was never going to get to... to get to...” Lena was shaking. She felt like her entire body might shake apart. “Kara I’m so cold.”

“Oh, Rao, you need medical attention. I’m going to get you out of here.” Kara cupped the side of Lena’s face, looking down at her with a concerned frown. “I’m so sorry, this might hurt a little,” she said, slipping her arms under Lena’s back and knees, preparing to lift her.

Lena groaned as Kara scooped her up. Her whole entire body was sore, her muscles stiff and sensitive to any sort of movement or jostling.

“I’ll try to fly as smooth as possible, just close your eyes. You’ll be safe, I promise,” Kara said, tightening her grip around Lena’s body.

Lena stiffened at first when she felt them rise, but she soon relaxed and rested her head against Kara’s chest with a quiet whimper. Everything was going black around the edges, and the last thing she heard before she passed out was Kara pleading, “Stay with me, Lena.”

 

* * *

 

The next time Lena woke she could tell they weren’t flying anymore. Kara was still carrying her, she thought: she still felt enveloped in her warmth, she could feel the slight dip and bob of her gait, and she could hear her footfalls echoing down what sounded like a very long corridor. She tried to open her eyes but everything was too bright so she shut them quickly again, moaning and clutching at Kara’s sleeves.

As she faded in and out of consciousness she caught snippets of the conversation going on around her.

“...why you broke the sound barrier in your pajamas...”

“Do you know how much paperwork...”

“...to the med bay...”

“Is she going to be ok?”

“...just mild shock... give her IV fluids...”

“...stop pacing or we’ll have to resurface the floor again...”

“I can’t lose her, Alex. I love her.”

Lena’s mind jolted awake. Had she really just heard that? She couldn’t be sure, especially since not long ago she thought she was dead and that Kara was an angel. Kara _was_ an angel, though. She was _her_ angel, her savior, her everything.

And Kara loved her?

Lena opened her eyes, groaning at the bright lights and trying desperately to move. Everything felt thick, and her limbs weren’t working like they should. She croaked out a ragged “Kara,” and she immediately felt warm hands around her own.

“You’re awake! Oh, I was so worried about you.” Kara pressed her palm to Lena’s cheek, running her thumb softly along Lena’s cheekbone. “I don’t know what I would do if... if something happened to you.”

“My purse.” All Lena could think about was the book. She had to give it to Kara right away. She wasn’t going to let this become a moment she shouldn’t have let slip away. She sat up slowly, finally feeling a little more in control of her faculties. “There’s something important inside it.”

“Oh.”

“Kara, please. Can you find it for me?” When Kara furrowed her brow Lena clarified, “I think it fell over the side... when I did.”

“ _Oh_.” Kara appeared sad for a moment before a look of determination crossed her face, and she was off without another word.

She returned a few minutes later, wearing her supersuit and looking windswept. She handed Lena her purse.

“I found it in a bush!” Kara proclaimed. “But, um... I think whatever’s inside is broken...” she said a little more quietly.

She meant the prototype. Lena didn’t care about the damned prototype. She could make a hundred more. A thousand. Lena just wanted the book. She ripped open her bag and there it was, unmarred save for a deep gash on the front cover. It went right through the dust cover and into the bookboard but it did not reach any of the interior pages or touch Lena’s inscription.

Lena sighed, running her fingers over the damage. She was so relieved she started crying, hunching over the book as if she were praying over it. She knew she’d never be able to say what she was feeling out loud to Kara, not like this, not without knowing for sure. Her heart was too fragile. But maybe the book could say it for her. Maybe it would be enough. Maybe this choice wouldn’t be the wrong one.

When Lena noticed Kara staring at her quizzically, head tilted to one side, she straightened, clearing her throat. “This is... I, um... I got this for you.” Lena thrust the book out at Kara, holding it in her hand shakily.

Kara took it from her, and when she read the title her face lit up. She looked at Lena with a bright, beaming smile that made her stomach flutter, and when Kara’s fingers traced the cover in much the same way her own had, a shiver went straight down her spine.

“You remembered...” Kara looked up at her with something like reverence. “I mentioned this book like once, maybe _months_ ago.” Her eyes were glassy with tears beginning to form. “I can’t believe you found this.”

Lena blushed, her skin tingeing pink from her hairline all the way down to her chest, and she averted her eyes. “Well, the way you talked about it, the way you said you connected with it. You just... described it so beautifully. I had to read it. I had to know what could affect Kara Danvers in this way.” She looked back up at Kara, who looked mildly embarrassed, and it made her blush even darker.

“Lena, I... I don’t even know what to say...”

“There’s an inscription.” Lena breathed out, almost a whisper. “On the inside of the cover.” She looked down at her hands, unable to watch Kara while she was reading the words she’d agonized over for so long. She’d repeated them to herself so many times they’d almost lost meaning. Almost.

_I once thought that I was destined to be alone. I’d resigned myself to it. And then I met you. You made me realize that I am not meant to be alone and without you, that the way I need you is a loneliness I cannot bear. I can only hope that you need me too._

They were half cliche, half stolen, but maybe they would be enough, maybe they could make Kara understand how much Lena loved her. And maybe— even though Lena certainly didn’t deserve it—  maybe Kara felt the same way about her.

“Lena? Do you... does this mean what I think it means?”

Lena still couldn’t look at her. “W-what do you think it means?”

Lena felt a pair of hands frame her face and tilt her chin up gently. She felt the dip of the bed where Kara placed one knee as she moved in closer. Kara was so close now. Lena could feel her heat, feel her breath hot against her mouth.

“Do you love me?” Kara asked, so very softly. It rolled out of her mouth and stuck in the almost imperceptible space between their lips. It begged Lena to close the distance.

“Yes,” Lena breathed, pressing her lips to Kara’s.

Kara was so soft, so pliant and welcoming. Lena felt her entire body infuse with warmth, and her skin tingled. They were both crying, and she could taste the salt as she moved her tongue hesitantly along Kara’s bottom lip. Kara opened her mouth and Lena slipped inside, whimpering because Kara tasted so much better that she’d ever imagined she could.

She just could not believe this was all real. She was alive. Alive. After falling from the fifth level of a parking garage. She survived it. Kara, her hero, whom she loved so fiercely it hurt, who was also Supergirl, saved her. And now she was leaning over Lena, kissing her.

Lena was fast becoming overwhelmed, so she pulled back, breaking their kiss. The expression on Kara’s face was one Lena’d never seen before. She was practically glowing, and her smile was so bright. She looked... truly and blissfully happy. Was it really all because of Lena?

“I love you, too.” Kara said, looking into Lena’s eyes, holding her gaze in a way that made her stomach drop. Kara positioned herself next to Lena in the bed— careful not to disturb her IV line, of course— and wrapped them both in her cape.

 

* * *

 

Lena’s eyes fluttered open to find the lights mercifully dim. The last thing she remembered was drifting off to sleep next to Kara in a narrow, uncomfortable hospital bed— although they were most certainly _not_ in an actual hospital— and now she found herself in much the same position. The only difference being that Kara was now latched onto her, arms and legs wrapped tightly around her.

She loved being in Kara’s arms. She wanted nothing more than to stay in this moment forever. Except Kara’s body was like a furnace and it was making her sweaty, and she kind of had to pee.

As she struggled to slip out of Kara’s grasp she heard a soft chuckle coming from the doorway. She looked up to find Alex watching her with a knowing smile.

“Um...” Lena called out, still trying to free herself, “Can I get some help?”

“She’s always been like that,” Alex said fondly, walking over to the side of the bed. “Watch this.” She turned on a very bright lamp and pointed it directly at Kara. “Artificial sun. It’s the only thing that’ll get her out of bed besides food or an emergency.”

And sure enough after only a few moments Kara started groaning and stretching her limbs. She remained asleep though, one arm still wrapped securely around Lena’s waist.

“Hey!” Alex smacked Kara on the side of the face a couple times. “Sleeping Beauty! Wake up!”

Nothing.

Alex sighed, and then cupped her hand around mouth, bringing her head down close to Kara’s ear. “Vasquez brought doughnuts!”

Kara sat up immediately. “Doughnuts?”

“No, Kara. It’s 2am. Why don’t you take Lena to the sleeping quarters and you guys can shower and change. I’ve got the bed made up and some clothes laid out for you in that private room by the bunks.” Alex patted Kara on the head. “Then in the morning we can sign some fun paperwork.”

“Ok. But I still want doughnuts...” Kara said through a yawn.

“In the morning. Also, you really should release the death grip you have on your girlfriend right now.”

Kara startled and looked down at her arm encircling Lena’s body. She let go, then snapped her head back up to Alex. “Girlfriend?” She looked back at Lena, repeating the question softly.

Lena’s face pinked and she ducked her head down shyly. “If you want.”

“Of course I want.” Kara cupped the side of Lena’s face and brought their foreheads together gently. “I’ve never wanted anything more.”

Lena’s breath caught in her throat. She felt drunk almost, and warm all over, and her trembling hand came up to rest over Kara’s. “Me neither.”

They kissed, Lena becoming completely wrapped up in Kara, forgetting herself, forgetting everything except the feeling of Kara’s mouth, hot and wet against her own. She only stopped to burst into a fit of giggles when she heard Alex make a disgusted noise and leave the room.

“Maybe we should, um...”

“Oh, yeah, ok.” Kara cleared her throat and stood. She scooped Lena up and held her against her chest, kissing the top of her head. “Let’s go to bed.”

Lena nuzzled into Kara’s neck, smiling bigger than she had maybe in her whole life. She felt giddy and her body was buzzing. In that moment she was happy for her near death experience. Otherwise, she wasn’t sure how long that book and her love would have languished, waiting for the “right time” to tell Kara how she felt about her.

Now she would never be haunted by the girl she shouldn’t have let slip through her fingers.

When she lined up all her shouldn’t haves now, she realized they formed a path right to Kara, right to this very moment, and all she could do was cry happily and be grateful for the gift fate had bestowed upon her.

Just as Lena had that thought Kara came to a stop and flipped the lightswitch on in a room that was much cozier and much less institutional than Lena thought it would be.

“Honey, we’re home!” Kara said happily, before depositing her gently on the bed.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to procrastinate working on my Single Mom AU, so apologies again to anyone who is waiting for an update.
> 
> This did not turn out quite how I thought it would, but it's something. I hope you like.
> 
> find me on tumblr: [@drfitzmonster](http://drfitzmonster.tumblr.com)


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